a window pops up
i tell myself that this is absurd. i lecture myself, and demand i find the rationale in this. that i am too intelligent for this sort of thing. but then i hear the door open and your name in bold and a window pops up. you start going on about something and i just can't understand you. and sometimes it is nothing we talk about, or at times rather profound. but the truth is, if i could admit it and i didn't have a boy, i would say that i am madly infatuated with you. but i say it anyway, quite publically.

i read your page. and your words about girls who you grace with your presence, and i just want to reach through the screen and make them disappear and replace them with me. i want you to describe my hips and back and my curves and how i am venus on earth. your voice is calm and smooth, like a perfect zen stone, all black and cool, perfect to the touch. you call me lover and through your crypticness, i infer that you crush on me.

and just last night, you let me call you, and i couldn't say anything cause i was crying so hard, and you said maura, i need you to breath through your mouth. can you do that for me? and you let me talk and you listened to me. you told me i was completely good and lovely, and i felt whole. you made me feel more comfortable. through your cell phone, you pulled me in close to you, and didn't let go.

and today, i sent you a tape for your road trip. and carefully choose each song and wanted it to be perfection. cause you are. it started with liz phair's "go west" but i say, "come east," and you reply someday.

and i find this to be pure. 'cause i find you to be amazing and completely unflawed which is very dangerous. this is very dangerous. how simple this crush is, a strong liking, a powerful feeling can be so many things all at once. pure dangerous good safe absurd secret. but i guess that is why i like you. 'cause i don't know you. i can daydream that you are a paragon of excellence, and never shall anything go wrong. i daydream driving in my car that you write everything for me, and that is all i need.

we are connected through wires. miles and miles of cord, fiber optics, digital, cellular, through the air, in the ground, radio. this is a 21st century crush. and sometimes i wish it would stay that way. there is no way i can end this, 'cause this is a current crush, there is no ending just yet. only us and our referrer logs.

-maura mae

Monday, January 08, 2001


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