unreal is here
i'd had a crush on her on and off for a few years. she lived about an hour and a half away and we'd write letters, make mix tapes, and visit on occasion- that was pretty much the extent of our relationship, it always seemed like anything more was out of the question. of course thats how it was- she was as close to perfect as i could imagine, and how could i ever hope to get very close to that?

bad timing seemed to be all over us. we grew up in the same small town, but didnt really become friends until the end of our senior year of high school. i was in the middle of one of my two year relationships, but she stole my heart as surely as anyone ever has. soon summer passed and the college days began, transforming our relationship into a phone call and letter based affair. the occasional day together was all we'd ever really see of each other, and anyway, one or the other of us always had a significant other. still, there was something beautiful in all of it- probably just the hopeless romantic in me.

about two years ago my girlfriend of a couple years bid me adieu, turning me into a heartbroken wreck, and beginning the chain of events that would eventually lead me to austin via 8 months in atlanta. i called my friend up a couple weeks after the breakup and we ended up having the most candid conversation the two of us had ever had. we both revealed our high school crushes on each other, amongst other things.

"do you remember that night in the park?" she asked. of course i did. how could i forget? we were both visiting home for a couple of days a couple summers before, so we got together one night. went to a coffee shop for awhile before heading over to a little park in town. we spent about two hours in this little pagoda in the playground, just talking in the dark with about two feet between us. god, she was beautiful that night- in every way- i had never felt so comfortable talking about anything with anyone as i did with her that night. it was one of those nights, those singular moments you just wish would go on forever. i kept finding myself completely lost in her eyes, and i wanted so badly to kiss her. but she was this untouchable angel, and i had no business even thinking those thoughts.

"yeah, i remember," i said.

"i really wanted to kiss you that night." ..and that just about stopped my heart. god, i had never expected, never dared to hope to hear her say those words to me. she asked if i would have killed her if she had. did she not realize i'd have done just about anything to spend even five minutes with her? that she was the biggest crush i had ever had? that kissing her was the greatest thing i could wish for at that moment? i guess not, but i assured her she would have made me the happiest person on the planet if she had done so.

she decided to come spend the weekend with me that next weekend, and my mind ran rampant with the possibilities. before we got off the phone she told me she had to play a song for me- it was her favorite right then she said. she put down the phone and started the cd player. after a second or two came the quiet guitar of "unreal is here" by chavez, and it fit my mood just perfectly at that moment.

"yes you will do now what can't be done. your unreal is here now. there is nothing to not be amazed at." i didnt catch the lyric when she played it for me that day over the phone, but listening to it now i realize how perfect those words were.

she visited that weekend, and it was great, but nothing happened for whatever reason. i was sure that phone call was the start of something new between us, but i guess it just wasn't in the cards. we saw each other a couple times over the summer and then she moved to colorado- i moved to georgia. i haven't talked to her for a over a year, but i find myself now in austin, wondering how she is. i suspect i'll write a letter soon. maybe we'll start that part of our relationship back up- it seems to have always been the static state of things for us. there is nothing to not be amazed at, indeed.


Monday, January 15, 2001


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